Essay on Malaysia: Common Types of Personalities in Malaysian Offices (Part 2)

                                                    Picture of a Hip Hijabsta

 

     Welcome to Part 2 of my essay: Common Types of Personalities in Malaysian  Offices. Here I discuss three more personality types one tends to find in Malaysian offices.

1) The Hip Hijabsta

     Hip Hijabstas are a new breed of Malay girls entering the workforce in the 21st Century. Despite the colorful vibrant hijabs she wore, which were always matched with trendy long-sleeved tops and jeans or trousers, the Hip Hijabsta is open and progressive in her outlook. She is most likely a One Direction fan, and had plans to visit twenty major cities in Europe before she turned 35. She loved languages, and could speak German, French, Italian, Japanese and Korean, because she loved European Noir films, Japanese Anime and Korean TV dramas.

     In high school and college, the Hip Hijabster must have been head of the Debating team, and being the intelligent and articulate 'Chili Padi' they typically were, Hip Hijabstas probably swept all the Debating competitions they participated in. When it came to tough challenges others normally avoided, the feisty Hip Hijabsta will dive straight into the challenge, and deliver in good time. The Hip Hijabsta loved beating the odds and proving people wrong. Despite being ethnically Malay, the Hip Hijabsta attitudes and work habits are decidedly Western. 

     I advise refraining from messing with the Hip Hijabsta. Her weekends are probably spent at a Judo, or a Karate class, and her menacing shouts preceding each attack are already enough to send potential foes scurrying for cover, never mind the actual attacks themselves which she threw in brutal blow after blow. But despite her 'tough exterior' there will always be a soft side to the Hip Hijabsta, and the easiest way to her heart would be through her stomach, for example buying her a premium espresso blend at Yellow Brick Road, or treating her to an excellent slice of cake at Antipodean cafe.

2) The Fluffy-Headed Homo

     The Fluffy-Headed Homo is a male-office worker steadily increasing in number in the HR and Creative departments of Malaysian companies in recent years. They are terribly feminine in their gestures and tone of voice. The Fluffy-Headed Homo also loves putting on make-up, and may be on hormones to grow a pair of breasts. 

     His sexual tendencies non-withstanding, The Fluffy-Headed Homo is a great person to interact with. He has a fashionable sense of style, always color-coordinating his clothes, and looks neat and presentable all the time. His favorite shoes were a pair of pricey floral Chuck Taylor All-Star Converse sneakers, and he somehow managed to keep them immaculately clean despite the filthy streets of KL. One would be hard-pressed to find him in the same pair of shoes on two consecutive days, and one Fluffy-Head Homo once boasted to me, he owns more shoes than Imelda Marcos. The Fluffy-Headed Homo's most attractive feature was his bob-hairdo, done for him by his sister’s hairstylist, dyed an auburn brown, and he was willing to spend to get his hair re-bonded.

     The Fluffy-Headed Homo is the kind of friend who will give you a shoulder to cry on when you are down, and one can count on him to keep one’s secrets. It is unfortunate I am such a ‘man’s man’, or I will made an effort to get to know the Fluffy-Headed Homo better. I am not homophobic, but I find his ‘growing breasts’ a little disturbing. 

3) The Dude with the Side-Income Business

     You know the fellow I am talking about. It could be a he, or a she, and this fellow is always cajoling fat colleagues to buy Herbalife products from him or her. They are often seen in the office-pantry trying to sell Amway products to fellow office-workers as they made coffee or drank from the water-cooler. Come Hari Raya, they will march into the office with tins of Raya biscuits and try to sell two or three tins to each colleague. There will always be one or two individuals falling under the Dude with the Side-Income Business category in every Malaysian office, as the current economic climate is horribly bleak, and nearly every Malaysian household is seeking additional sources of income. 

     For Dudes with the Side-Income Business, evenings are spent learning about sales tactics to help them sell better. Weekends are spent holding tea parties to obtain more potential customers gathered from neighbors, friends and family to buy their products. Can't really blame them though. They wanted the good life, and were willing to work hard for it, so hats off to them really. 

Interactions between the personalities. 

     As mentioned in part 1 of this essay, the Fluffy-Headed Homo is most likely to be best friends with the Office-Whore, since hardly any one speaks to either of them. The Fluffy-Headed Homo is probably  misunderstood by the rest of the office-staff, except perhaps the Office Makcik, who will treat the Fluffy-Headed Homo as a surrogate 'daughter', and share tips with the Fluffy-Headed Homo on baking, cooking, and gardening.

     On his part, the Fluffy-Headed Homo will try to get the Office-Makcik to dress in more modern fashion, and try to provide advice on color combinations , but the Office Makcik will shrug them off and say she's old, it does not matter any more. The Office Makcik and Hip Hijabsta will be best friends, often forming a clique, along with other hijab-donning ladies against the Office-Whore and the other girls in the office preferring Western Styles of dressing. The Hip Hijabsta will see the Office-Whore as all appearance and no substance, while the Office-Whore will be silently jealous at the Hip Hijabsta's talent and accomplishments

     The Fluffy-Headed Homo is most likely to be bullied by the Hip Hijabsta on a regular basis, who will playfully punch the Fluffy-Headed Homo to try and toughen him up, at which the Fluffy Headed Homo will scream and cry blue murder. The Dude with the Side-Income will always be loathed and avoided like the plague by everyone else, far more so than the Office-Whore and the Fluffy-Headed Homo, as the Dude with the Side-Income is a KL Shark through and through, only looking out for number one, At least the Office-Whore possessed a Kampong Charm, and only did what she did because she wanted to get the job done. The Dude with the Side Income business was truly avaricious in nature, and everyone kept a wide berth from him or her.

     But if the Dude with a Side Income Business was a young hot-blooded guy, he might use his side-income business as an excuse to flirt with the Office-Whore. Unfortunately, some times several Dudes with Side Income Businesses may hold positions of power in certain departments, therefore some poor soul in a junior position might be forced to purchase their products in order to get to know them better, and that is when, like a leech, the Dudes with Side Businesses will attach themselves to the poor soul, who will be their first port of call whenever they have some products to sell. 

     That concludes my essay on Common Types of Personalities in Malaysian Offices! Thanks for reading and have a good day!

Essay on Malaysia: Top 10 highest paying jobs in Malaysia that does not require a degree

     If the value of the Malaysian Ringgit weren't always falling, I am actually quite proud of the country's currency. It's artful, and full of color. The Ringgit also reflects Malaysia's rich diversified culture. Unlike the US dollar or the British Pound. So monotonous and uninspiring.

   Now, one thing that graduates take note of when selecting a career path, are the careers, or specifically, the jobs that pay the most.

     But what if you don't have a university degree? And what if you're in Malaysia?

    Here's my list of top 10 occupations in Malaysia that pay the highest (in Malaysian Ringgit) that do not require a  university degree.

    Note: As of 17 March 2016, the current exchange rate is 1 US Dollar = 4.0585 Malaysian Ringgit.

A typical Fresh Graduate Salary is sadly between 1,800 Ringgit and 2,200 Ringgit a month  for Accountants, and 2,500 and 2,800 Ringgit a month for Engineers

10. Pirated DVD peddler/ seller (RM20,000/month)

     A source of cash flow for Chinese Triads, typically out of Penang, one can always find a stall at the local Pasar Malam in Malaysian Neighborhoods selling pirated DVDs of the latest Hollywood Block-Buster. Sometimes there might be films from other countries too. Even TV dramas, and cartoon series. I once found the pirated DVD for the Legend of Korra in a pirated DVD stall in Batu Ferringhi, Penang!

    With the Internet still a little backward in Malaysia, and 'Gold Disc' pirated DVDs providing top quality content, whenever a movie they like is released, Malaysians like to do the 'Malaysian Thing': They wait for the pirated DVD to be on sale at their favorite Pasar Malam, instead of battling traffic and hassle, and paying too much for a movie ticket at the local cinema. 

     Pirated DVD peddlers might earn up to 50,000 Ringgit/ month! BUT, after all the bribes paid to the local fat-cat police in charge of the district they are operating in, their earnings are always halved, or more. But still, its a good living, without much risk, unlike drugs or kidnapping, which carry the death penalty.


9.Gambling Bookie (RM35,000/month) 

     All Malaysians living in the suburbs have seen it before. That one strange house in the neighborhood. All the other houses look alike. But there will always be that one fancy mansion at a corner lot. It's got fancy water fountains within its compounds, and manicured tropical flower bushes outside its gates. It towers above the other houses, and within its compounds barred by tall gates, loud brash sports cars the likes of Mercedes Benz A45 AMG coupes, Range Rove Evoque urban SUVs, and Porsche Carera 911 GTs are parked.

    This begs the question: What do the owners do for a living? 

   Here's a tip: If they were drug smugglers, they would be living it up in a fancy condo in KLCC, or a bungalow in Bukit Bintang, or Desa Park City

    So no, they are not drug smugglers. They are Gambling Bookies. 

   There are plenty of 4D shops, Toto branches, DaMaCai stalls and other lottery ticket outlets in Malaysia, managed and regulated by government organizations. But those are boring. Many Malaysians love to bet on soccer, horse racing, politics, and many other things in life, and underground bookie rings are everywhere, if one knows where to go. 

    And like the fat-cat bankers on Wall Street, the bookies who run the place charge hefty fees for their 'services', and the foolish gambling addicts gladly  paid up, believing they were participating in a chance to get rich, when really all they were doing was fattening  the wallets of those bookies.

   Note: Sometimes these Gambling Bookies are also Underground Mahjong Bosses, or managers of illegal 4 Digit rings. 

 8.Tongkat Ali exporter (RM50,000/month)

     LELAKI NAK KUAT!!!! BETUL KAN?? All males need that extra boost every now and then to revitalize their performance in the bedroom. Here's where Malaysia's third most in demand export, after                   1) Petronas Oil and 2) Oil Palm, comes in handy. I heard from Taxi-Drivers in Malaysia that Singaporeans, Indonesians, Vietnamese and Filipinos all come to Malaysia seeking this Golden Chalice of a bedroom performance booster. The taxi-drivers proclaim, the most common question they get asked, after 1) where is a brothel to find a good fuck?  Is 2)where is a place that sells TongKat Ali?

    These days there are all kinds of imitations popping up like mushrooms all over Malaysia. One only needs to drive about a hundred meters on Malaysian roads, and they will encounter a lamp-post with a piece of card-board nailed onto it with the words 'Ubat Kuat Lelaki 01X XXX XXXX'. 

   Pffft. Just mere imitations. They can't beat the original TongKat Ali grown and harvested by the old Pacik in his back garden who knows the secret to making men virile. Hence people still seek out the original Tongkat Ali, and exporting this locally producd 'Viagra' is a good source of cash-flow, especially for the local Orang Asli, or local Malaysian Aboriginal tribesmen. 

7.Orang Minyak ( RM 65,000/month)

     No I am not referring to those creepy little imps out of Malaysian folk-lore, covered in black oil and scouring Malay villages for sweet young Malay girls bathing by the riverside to rape. I am referring to Orang Asli, the aboriginal tribesmen in Malaysia, who sneak into Palm Oil plantations at night to harvest some oil palm, and sell them on the black market. 

   Take a drive along scenic Sepang, the lush green undeveloped belt close to the Kuala Lumpur International Airport, and one will find thriving Orang Asli communities deep in the jungles located there. They own well-constructed homes of bricks and concrete, with piped water and electricity, and even Astro cable satellite dishes! The Orang Asli even have Toyota Hilux and Mitsubishi Triton pick-up trucks, Toyota Unser MPVs and even Toyota Alphards parked in their make-shift drive-ways, which they paid for in CASH! 

    Of course those Orang Asli do grow and export some TongKat Ali too, but when you look at the Palm Oil plantations surrounding the Sepang region, where small quantities of oil palm crop are stolen every few days, one wonders, is growing and exporting Tongkat Ali all the Orang Asli ever do? 


6. Luxury Car Thief (80,000 Ringgit/month)

     Malaysia is a dangerous place. There are local gangs who set up traps along Malaysian highways late at night. Should the gangsters spot a luxury vehicle travelling on the highway at 1 or 2 am in the morning, when no one else is around, they will activate the trap, disable the luxury vehicle, knock the driver unconscious and make off with the vehicle. From there, the luxury vehicle will be smuggled into Thailand or Vietnam to be sold to rich people there for a good price. The worse thing is, if the driver of the hijacked luxury vehicle was an attractive woman, she will most likely be raped. 

   Malaysian police have stepped up efforts to clamp down on such gangs, but these gangs are very smart. If it's not luxury cars, its plain ordinary Protons, Peroduas, Toyotas and Hondas they target, as long as the cars are easy to steal, and easy to dis-assemble and sell on the black market part by part. 

   

5.Traffic Cop (100,000/Month) 
    I kid you not. You see the roadblocks they always hold on busy roads in Malaysia, stopping drivers of vehicles or riders of motorcycles? You think their intentions are pure? NO! Especially when its close to Hari Raya.

   And Malaysia is unlike Singapore. In Singapore traffic cops will arrest you if you try to bribe them. In Malaysia things are 'negotiable', where to avoid a 300 Ringgit fine, a 100 Ringgit bribe is enough to encourage the traffic cop to look away. In fact there are times when Malaysian traffic-police will simply stop a driver and try their luck, accusing said driver of some trumped-up traffic violation to which the driver has to vehemently deny, and state, "if I've done something wrong, lets head to the station and make an official report."  That will convince the traffic cop to back off. 

  Worst of all are the appalling number of accidents on Malaysian roads. It's a sad reflection of the decrepit state of Malaysia's roads, and how terrible Malaysian drivers are at driving. To...encourage a station sergeant to prioritize your case on top of the pile of cases he has to clear when it's a dispute during an accident between two drivers, or to view one driver's case more favorably over the opposing party, under-the-table deals are struck, thus making this job a very lucrative one indeed. I have witnessed traffic police station sergeants in Penang stroll about with fancy rings on all ten fingers, purchased from such 'under-the-table' money. 

 4. Alcohol and Tobacco Smuggler (RM120,000/ month) 
    You think Langkawi is all fun and games? Think again! Langkawi has a duty-free airport, through which duty free alcohol and tobacco brought into the country by plane is then distributed throughout the nation by smugglers on boats. This is a hard living, though it pays well, as getting caught results in severe punishment by Law Enforcement Agencies. 


3.Customs Officer (Kastam DiRaja Malaysia) (150,000 Ringgit /month)

   KLIA and KLIA2 are not the busiest airports in the world. Neither are the Penang and Langkawi Airports. The same goes for the Senai Airport in Johor, and the various airports in Sabah and Sarawak.

    But a considerable amount of traffic still passes through those gleaming hubs of the aviation industry: People with 'dubious stuff' they want to bring in to Malaysia (i.e Drugs?), and people with 'suspicious items' they want to take out of the country (for eg. exotic animal furs and products?) walk through their halls and pass through their gates everyday. And that's when knowing the right contacts in the Malaysian Customs Department helps. 

2.Arms Smuggler  (RM200,000 Ringgit /month) 

    There are more than just tigers and crocodiles infesting Malaysia's Jungles and Swamps. There are arms-smugglers too. Where do you think those Indian Hitmen who are hired to take out business competitors or unsavory political elements in Malaysia get their guns from?  

   The guns are supposedly 'factory defects' coming from arms factories in the Phillippines, smuggled through Thailand's jungles into the Malaysian northern border state of Perlis, and then distributed to the rest of Malaysia. Not something I recommend getting into, as getting caught by Malaysian border police results in harsh penalties. 

1.Drug Dealer (300,000 Ringgit/month)

   Another occupation I warn against getting into, as being caught carries the death penalty in Malaysia. But high risk yields high returns, and being a drug dealer is the best-paying job there is. I'm not talking about selling bags of low quality weed from Thailand to the clueless punks in Malaysian colleges, who do not even understand the difference between Hybrid, Sativa and Indica strains of Marijuana, and they are ignorant of how there are weed strains for recreational use, and weed strains for medicinal purposes, or what are 'magic muffins' and 'magic brownies' . Those idiots simply roll the pot up in some scrap piece of paper, and smoke the weed just like they would smoke a packet of Malboro Lights. 

   I am talking about selling Speed, K, and Ecstasy at Malaysia's night clubs at 500 Ringgit a pill to the prancing fools who love to Rave from night till morning. I am talking about selling Crystal Meth and Heroin to the budding artist or musician looking for his or her next high, to get inspiration for his or her next 'Master-piece' or Billboard hit  Heck, I don't even know what's the latest 'designer' drugs they sell to clueless drug addicts these days, or how much they cost, but whatever it is, don't go into it, despite the high pay. You're ruining lives for the sake of a few dollars. However I still advocate legislature to be passed to legalize magical mushrooms and marijuana coffee shops in Amsterdam and other liberal cities in the world, as usage is regulated, and conducted by responsible adults in moderate amounts. 

   Perhaps in the case of Malaysia, legalization of recreational drugs will provide a new source of revenue, from the taxes collected on the drugs. It might also increase tourism numbers in the country, as In Amsterdam. One is not naive enough to believe tourists flock to the capital of the Netherlands just to admire the windmills and smell the tulips, though there are reports the mayor of Amsterdam is clamping down on such coffee-shops of recreational marijuana use. 

  That concludes my essay : Top 10 highest paying jobs in Malaysia that does not require a degree. Special mention goes to Petronas Oil Brokers. Yes it actually requires a degree, but nevertheless, during the boom days Petronas Oil Brokers were paid obscene salaries, higher than your average pilot, doctor or lawyer in Malaysia.

   But ever since the sharp fall in world oil prices, the commissions of the Petronas Oil Brokers have taken a big hit. It remains to be seen if oil prices will rise again, and if Petronas Oil Brokers can earn the vast salaries they used to make when Oil was USD100 per barrel or more.

   Thanks for reading!  And have a great day!

Essay on Malaysia: Common Types of Personalities in Malaysian Offices (Part 1)

  

   

                                         Picture of an Office Makcik

     I have worked in several different offices in Malaysia over an extended period of time. I soon realized there are a number of  'personality types' that would appear without fail in Malaysia's Offices. Let's have a look at three such personalities.

1) The Office-Makcik

     The office personality everyone loves, and whom one will always find in any Malaysian office, is the Office-Makcik. Typically the office accountant, the Office-Makcik often handled the division’s accounts. Most of her work comprised of the voluminous paperwork required for the payment of the office staff, and the accounts payable for the division. One would expect her to be exhausted by the end of the day when she returned home to her family, but the Office-Makcik is truly an amazing lady. Every now and then, she will march into the office, early in the morning, with freshly cooked Mee Goreng, or Nasi Goreng, in a big tub, still warm from the wok, a most welcome breakfast to help jump-start the day. I do confess I have had a good amount of the Office- Makcik's breakfast treats, even asking her when her next breakfast delivery would be. The Office-Makcik also made the best sambal, and always wore a bright smile that would light up even the gloomiest of days and cheer up the stoniest of hearts.

     Being in  her early to late forties, the Office-Makcik belonged to a slower, gentler time. She did not possess the attitude of entitlement the current generation of Malaysian youngsters possessed, that the whole world owed them a living. The Office-Makcik always carried a calm and steady demeanor, kind eyes and a quick smile. She came to work in a ‘Hijab’ and a matching flowery gown. Sadly, the Office-Macik was a diminishing breed.  She was like the mother I never had, providing a kind word whenever I was feeling down, and she baked tasty peanut biscuits during Hari Raya. She volunteered for projects everyone else avoided, such as organizing the division’s annual staff retreat each year, and was encouraging to new-comers.

2) The Office-Whore

     The ‘Office-Whore’ is a kampong girl from a remote town or village. She desires the glamour and the promise of the good life in Kuala Lumpur, but is clueless how to get it. The Office-Whore is in most cases personal assistant to the division-manager of the office, and shows up for work in sleeveless, low-cut blouses, and tight-fitting work pants. She enjoys standing close to males, teasing them with glimpses of her ample cleavage, and whiffs of her cheap perfume, the kind ditzy Malay girls wore in private to tease their husbands. She also enjoyed bending over desks to show off her assets every excuse she got, swinging her hips from side to side as she made her way round the office in six-inch heels, to flaunt her buttocks and lacey panties. 

     The Office-Whore acts in such a promiscuous manner because she hated her ‘day-job’, and tricked gullible males to complete her tasks for her. She most likely freelanced during the weekends as a personal trainer at the local health and fitness center. As a rookie trainer, she could only manage middle-aged clients with a large middle-section, greasy faces, and stubby fat hands.

     Some times, the Office-Whore might be married. You just got to pity the poor stupid BOY who married the Office-Whore. You just got to pity the poor stupid BOY’s family. The lascivious daughter-in-law they unwittingly accepted into their household. But that poor stupid BOY did not care about the Office-Whore's cheap demeanor in the office. His appreciation for her was purely physical. The Office-Whore flirted with greasy Datuks and Tan Sris whenever her husband was not around. Poor stupid BOY. And poor Datuks and Tan Sris. She was taking them all for a ride, although the current husband might tire of her grasping ways and divorce her. Or the Office-Whore might hook-up with some moneyed contractor who procured fat government contracts through back-door means. She was a gold-digger through and through.

     Too bad the foolish BOY who married the Office-Whore had no clue. The poor stupid BOY’s head was most likely buried in the diatribe of government propaganda in the ‘Star’ Newspaper like his Malay peers, during lull periods at the customer service desk of a prominent fitness club, old obese men struggling on whirring treadmills nearby. Meanwhile, the Office-Whore was flirting with old obese man elsewhere, ambushing them outside the male-changing rooms of another fitness club, blasting them with her cheap perfume, and flashing them with the look of a pole-dancer at a sleazy bar. Her aim? To hand out the freshly minted business-cards qualifying her as a certified personal trainer.

     Acting promiscuous was as natural to the Office-Whore as breathing, so it is highly recommended to avoid the Office-Whore like the cheap Ramly burger she was, that other men already took many bites out of. The kind of stale, greasy burgers sold at night, on the roadside next to busy car-parks, infused with poisonous car exhaust and cheap margarine. 

    One can't help but feel pity for the poor, stupid BOY who married an Office-whore. He is so naive, and intoxicated by her scent he has no clue about the slutty way the Office-Whore behaves with her colleagues in the office, or the staff, or members in the gym. Perhaps he did not care. After all, she has nice assets. Word on the street is the poor stupid BOY knocked the Office-Whore up and got her pregnant, and so now, for better or worse, he is straddled with her. Haha. The poor fool. 

     Ultimately, one should feel more sympathy for the Office-Whore. The professional gossipers in the office-pantry will claim she survived a law degree from IUTM, a juicy piece of news later confirmed by the janitor of the office, who let it be known, his daughter attended the same college as the Office-Whore.

     Perhaps it was not a problem with the person, but with the Malaysian education system. With the mass commercialization of education in Malaysia, private universities popped up like mushrooms on cow-dung after the rain, and any Datuk with too much money could start an institute of higher learning in Malaysia and ‘make a contribution’ to the human capital development of the nation. Anyone who obtained what could be passed off as decent grades in Malaysia could, without too much of a mental struggle, graduate in law, receive an MBA, or become a bean-counter. For those who are unable to apply their hard-earned knowledge in a proper professional position, they could always apply themselves to be teachers and lecturers, or… reluctant gym trainers.

3) The Fat Emo

     The ‘Fat Emo.’ is in most cases, the division’s HR officer, in charge of writing up Job Descriptions, putting up job vacancies in the papers and online, scheduling interviews, and researching pay-scales. Though he was smart enough to give the Office-Whore a wide berth, I believe the Office-Whore is more of a man than the Fat Emo ever was. At least she is not as sensitive as the Fat Emo, who took everything as a slight or insult. A simple inquiry on his health after a diarrhea attack could be interpreted as a snide comment about his weight, as he is plump, with rolls of fat around his waist and hips, and a face with droopy cheeks like a bloodhound.

     While the Fat Emo may be a conscientious worker, and performed his tasks to an acceptable standard, he did not take well to ‘constructive criticism’. The Fat Emo will rage incessantly about how ‘people did not see the hours of work he put in’ whenever he is given advice to improve the quality of his work. Perhaps the worst thing about the Fat Emo is how he enjoyed watching late night films online, and entered the office the next morning red-eyed, and lethargic, which on many occasions caused him to make blunders in his work. For instance, one morning, as the Fat Emo was so groggy, he carelessly typed in a Freelance job would pay 8000 Ringgit, when the job actually paid 800 Ringgit. He must have taken three zeros for two. It was embarrassing for his boss, the division manager, to answer the hoard of inquiries from hopeful freelancers if the job really paid 8000 Ringgit.

     On another occasion, after watching late night EPL football at his neighborhood Mamak stall, the Fat Emo staggered into the office with a foggy head, and mixed up a HR interview that caused the division manager to miss her flight. The worst thing was, he showed no signs of remorse, and sullenly argued the company over-worked him. The Fat Emo was a sad reflection of the traits plaguing many of the current generation of Malaysian youth: Over-sensitivity, the in-ability to accept criticism, and an out-sized ego for their qualifications.

     During an annual performance review, should the division manager asked where the Fat Emo saw himself five years into the future, and suggested he should consider pursuing an MBA to further his career potential, the Fat Emo will reply  he was finished with studying, and he just wanted to do his job and collect his pay. It was a given fact that every time the HR department organized an enrichment course for leadership, time-management, effective communication and such, one would never see the Fat Emo in attendance.

Interactions between these three personality types: 

     Naturally, the Office-Makcik will be highly disapproving of the Office-Whore, and critical of her dressing and her promiscuous ways. On her part the Office-Whore will roll her eyes at the Office-Macik, thinking her to be old-fashioned, and finding the treats that the Office-Makcik brought to the office too greasy and fattening. The Office-Makcik will form a clique with the hijab-wearing young girls of the office, and the Office-Whore...well she might be alone most of the time, or be friends with the other younger girls of the office who preferred Western style office clothes. Or more likely, being the bitch she is, nobody wanted to talk to her, so the only one the Office-Whore can be friends with, is another social outcast, the office's residential 'Fluffy-Headed Homo', another office personality type I shall cover in part two of this essay. 

     The Fat Emo will be best friends with the Office-Makcik, and the Office-Makcik will constantly chastise the Fat Emo for eating too much, or for dozing off during office hours. The Office-Makcik will speak up for the Fat Emo, whenever the division-manager rants about the Fat Emo's sub-par performance and poor attitude in the privacy of her office. That's just the way the Office-Makcik is. Motherly in every sense of the word. 

That concludes Part 1 of my essay. Stay tuned for part two, where I cover three more common types of Office Personalities in Malaysia

Essay on Malaysia: What has Najib done to Malaysian Soccer?

     Astro must be desperate. For two months since Ola Bola's release on 28th January, they have been flogging every single channel of theirs with promotional adverts, pestering their viewers to proceed with all haste, to the nearest local cinema and watch Ola Bola. If you happened to be viewing an English Channel, it will be in English. If you were watching a Chinese channel, the advert will be in both Mandarin and Cantonese. And if you were on a Malay Channel, the ad will be in Malay. I assume it will be the same in Tamil for Indian channels. 

     'A feast for your eyes' one celebrity boasted. 'A film all Malaysians must watch', said another. You know they are desperate when they have to invite female media personalities to comment on how good-looking the male actors of the film are. In the beginning, it was one or two celebrities urging viewers to watch the movie. Now, in March of 2016, all 200 of Malaysia's celebrities are out in force, pestering Astro's viewers to see Ola Bola. 

     That got me wondering, "Why is Astro so desperate to get people to watch Ola Bola?" I was unimpressed by the ads, nor am I a great fan of soccer. So I Googled Ola Bola on the Internet, and found the Wikipedia entry for it. Unsurprisingly, the underlying theme of Ola Bola was in actual fact, government propaganda. As usual.

     The plot of Ola Bola is simple: A sports journalist grows disillusioned and weary of working life in Malaysia, and wants to migrate overseas for a better future. But one day, she does some research on the haloed 1980 Malaysian Soccer Team, who qualified for the Summer Olympics of that year. Through her interviews with the stars of that distinguished team, she relives the glory days of Malaysia's past soccer champions. It also renews her belief in the nation, and by the end of the film, the sports journalist changes her plans about migrating overseas, and chooses to remain in Malaysia. 

     Pffft. Any one with half a brain can tell its propaganda. Why would any sensible Malaysian want to pay good money to watch propaganda? Though the fact Ola Bola was produced is an acknowledgement of how the Malaysian Government recognizes Malaysia's crop of human talent are very unhappy with working and living conditions in Malaysia, and Malaysia's future economic prospects. As such, thousands, if not millions of young Malaysian talent hold aspirations of migrating overseas to Singapore, Australia, and other developed nations, for a better future for themselves, and their children. 

     Of course, assembling a 1970s style carnival is not easy. The film’s cinematographer must also be commended for the scenes where they had to track the movement of the soccer ball as it whizzed all over the soccer pitch, along with the wide, sweeping panoramic shots of Malaysia’s lush green landscape. The human element of the film is very touching too. And each and every one of the actors and actresses in the movie displayed great heart.

      Indeed, there will be patriotic Malaysians who will go watch the film at local theaters, simply to show support for ‘Malaysian–made’ creative content. And there will be Malaysians who will do the ‘Malaysian Thing’. They will wait for the pirated DVD to come on sale at their local pasar malam, or night bazaar. Or they might download the pirated film from the Internet once it is available online. 

     Unfortunately, most Malaysians will remain stuck in traffic, over-worked in offices, and staying at home during the weekends to save money, as inflation in Malaysia is perpetually rising all the time. This is due to capital flight and loss of investor confidence from the 1MDB scandal and the fall in oil and commodity prices. As such, many Malaysians do not possess a shred of inclination to watch Ola Bola. 

     At most, if Malaysians really wanted to watch local soccer, they would watch local Malaysian clubs play each other, while enjoying a Teh Tarik at their local Mamak Stall. If Malaysians wanted to watch good soccer, they would stay at home and watch the EPL, Spanish La Liga, or Italian Serie A on the Astro Super-sports channels. If they wanted to fight the traffic and hassle KL is infamous for, and navigate through bustling crowds to pay good money for a movie ticket, they would rather watch Deadpool, or Ipman 3. 

     Coincidentally, my friend who works in Astro, recently told me Khazanah, the investment arm of the Malaysian government, owns a majority stake in Astro Shaw and Astro TV's parent company. Now that makes a lot of sense. Perhaps with falling oil prices, and declining market share to Perodua, Khazanah was faced with falling revenue from both Petronas and Proton. Looking for a solution, they tried to make up for the loss of revenue from Malaysia's huge pool of soccer fans, and assumed they might enjoy a soccer film celebrating Malaysia's haloed 1980 soccer team, produced by Astro Shaw. Sadly, it would appear Khazanah miscalculated the patriotism Malaysians held for their country. 

     Well, if even the attractive female media celebrities currently urging Astro TV's viewers to watch Ola Bola do not succeed in raising ticket sales of the film, Astro could always invite Dr M, and feature him on a promotional advert asking, since the days of Malaysia's haloed 1980 soccer champions, what has Najib done to Malaysian soccer since then? 

                                                                             * * * *

Essay on Malaysia: Game of Thrones is Malaysia (Part 3)

     Welcome to the third and final part of my essay, "The Game of Thrones is Malaysia". I shall be covering the last 2 regions of the Seven Kingdoms, The Stormlands and the North, as well as that itsy bitsy area sandwiched between the North and the Riverlands along the Trident, known as the Crossing, and how they are connected to particular states in Malaysia

  8) The Stormlands and the North-Eastern state of Kelantan

    “Ours is the fury”

   The words of House Baratheon, Lords Paramount of the Stormlands

     Cersei Lannister once remarked to her father that Robert Baratheon was not very rich. Indeed, the Stormlands, which Robert’s family ruled since the days when Orys Baratheon took Storm’s End from the last of the Storm-Kings, was renowned for its martial culture more than anything else. The Stormlands were self-sufficient in terms of farming, and there were a few fishing villages and towns supporting the larger military forts in the region, but as Robert Baratheon once commented to Ned Stark, “All I wanted to do was crack skulls, and fuck girls.” The Stormlands produced good warriors, who epitomized the fury of the relentless storms that lashed their coasts, but not good kings.

     The state of Kelantan is known as the ‘The Land of Lightning’. It is a coastal-bound region in the East, renowned for the deadly lightning and crackling thunder following the monsoon rains striking its coasts at year’s end. And like the Stormlands, it was a fertile land, filled with rice paddy fields and fishing villages. In terms of martial culture, Kelantan was known for producing more Silat champions than any other Malaysian state. Silat is a traditional Malay martial art resembling Tai-Chi, emphasizing wavy, rippling movements and strikes to redirect an opponent’s attacks against them. There was something about the storm-rocked beaches of Kelantan. Practising Silat along its rough waves, as lightning flashed, and thunder crackled in the distant horizon. It was a different experience entirely.

9) The Crossing, and the State of Negri Sembilan

  “The Freys have held the Crossing for 600 years. And for 600 years they have never failed to exact their toil.”

  - Catelyn Stark, nee Tully, on her father Hoster Tully’s Bannerman, House Frey of the Twins.

     While not an official constituent region of the Seven Kingdoms, the Green Fork of the Trident River was one of the primary crossings between the North and the Riverlands. The cunning founder of House Frey realized mountains of gold in toll collection awaited the man who built a bridge over the Crossing. Thus he commenced construction of this bridge, complete with a squat ugly keep on either side of the river bank, supported by arrow-slits, portcullises and murder-holes. It took the Freys three centuries to complete ‘The Twins’, but when it was done, farmers, lords and merchants moving between the North and the Riverlands had no choice but to pay the toll exacted by the Freys. Thus House Frey grew rich over the 600 years they controlled the Crossing.

     Similar to the Twins guarding the Crossing, there is a town, in the state of Negri Sembilan named Nilai. The royal family of Negri Sembilan must be thankful to their ancestors for conquering the land in ages past, allowing them presently to reap the riches from land taxes collected from Nilai. The main campuses of two of Malaysia’s most famous universities are located there: INTI University, and Universiti Sains Islam Malaysia, along with several other smaller colleges, that attracts thousands of international students bringing with them much needed foreign exchange into the country. Those students, practically all at the tertiary level, are attracted to the greenery of the natural environs surrounding Nilai, the low cost of living, and the fresh air of the town.  

     In addition the intense intellectual milieu, one can find rich Malay cultural heritage in Nilai too, in the form of a massive textiles center, where for a competitive price, one is able to find the widest range of silk Batik shirts, cotton sarongs, beautiful kebayas, and luxurious draperies for one's bungalow or palace. Across from the textile center, off the main trunk road, is the most loved McDonalds in the region. You know this McDonalds is special when you find Singaporean cars lined up in droves at the drive through, 24/7. 

     One might assume travelling Singaporeans would find it more convenient to pull over at any one of the highway stops for a quick bite of KFC,Basking Robbins or Pizza Hut, but they chose to stray from the North South Highway into this quaint little town called Nilai for their fix of McNuggets and Big Macs. 

     But just as how Walder Frey, present Lord of the Twins, conspired with Roose Bolton to murder the majority of the Northern and River Lords at the Red Wedding, earning himself the title of Lord Paramount of the Trident for his ‘loyalty’ to the Crown as a reward, there are dissident waves emitting from the royal household of Negri Sembilan as well.

   The second son of the Sultan of Negri Sembilan, Tunku Abidin Muhriz, is an articulate, sharp-witted young noble educated by the British, who desired the reformation of Malaysia’s Parliament. Tunku is the word for Prince in Bahasa, and Tunku Abidin is the president and founder of the Institute for Democracy and Economic Affairs (IDEAS), a Malaysian think-tank serving as a medium for the proposal of market reforms and policy changes. He published a number of books, amongst which his third publication, ‘Roaming Beyond the Fence’ stands out, a collection of the Tunku’s libertarian ideas collected and published together in one tome. It remains to be seen, however, if like ‘The Late’ Walder Frey, will Tunku Abidin succeed in overthrowing the current status quo, and achieve his noble ambitions. 

     For the record, I do not advocate inviting the current members of Malaysia's parliament to a palace banquet in Negri Sembilan, and have them all poisoned over dessert. I am suggesting more conscientious intellectuals, and people of moral courage dedicated towards the creation of a better Malaysia, participate in and actively support  Tunku Abidin's endeavors. 

9) The North, and the Northernmost State of Perlis

“The Northerners will never forget”

  Tyrion Lannister, to his father Tywin, when King’s Landing received news of the Red Wedding.

     Here’s where George R R Martin proves his salt as a best-selling author. The northern-most state of Perlis is the smallest state in Malaysia, bordering Thailand. Perlis is a boring little state. There’s nothing much to talk about it. Except for the fact Malaysian border police was extremely vigilant there, as smugglers of arms and drugs journeying through Thailand’s jungles stop at the small towns in Perlis for a bit of R and R along the way into Malaysia.

    But his imagination clicked, and George R R Martin made Perlis interesting. He turned Perlis into the North, and made the North a cold, unloving place that was the largest region of the Seven Kingdoms, and he set the North as the background for some of the key plot-drivers for his story. He throws in all kinds of syrup and sprinkles over this delectable sundae of a tale, including stuff about a huge WALL, constructed by a mythical hero named Bran the Builder in the Age of Heroes, with the aid of Giants and magic, and guarded by the Night’s Watch, a ragtag band of misfits, criminals and high-born outcasts, against willy, spirited wildlings, giants, and of course, WHITE WALKERS.

    There is a possibility George R R  Martin may have based the idea of the White Walkers on the skeletal old drug mules scurrying about like rats at the Malaysian-Thailand Border, attempting their best to avoid capture by Malaysian border police. Over years of drug abuse, those mules became skin and bone, their eyes shining not an icy blue, but a sparkling grey that’s somewhat similar.

    Those drug mules are left with a few paltry strands of white hair over a balding head, and they are indestructible: Bullets pinged off them, blades bounced off them. Only tranquilizer darts of the heaviest potency were able to take them down. That’s probably where George R R Martin came up with the idea the White Walkers should be impervious to every normal weapon, save those made from Dragon-glass or Valyrian Steel.

      George R R Martin probably thought to himself, ‘I’m an award-winning author. I should add in a lot more depth and richness to the story.  So he sets the invasion of the White Walkers in a greater historic setting, that House Stark, along with the rest of the First Men defeated the first coming of the White Walkers with the aid of the Children of the Forest, and banished them into the True North, erecting a great WALL to keep them out, and establishing the Night’s Watch to make sure the White Walkers stayed out. So therein lay the origins of the words of House Stark: ‘Winter is Coming’.

     But what were the origins of the phrases ‘The North Remembers', and  ‘The Northerners will never forget’? George R R Martin, whilst on holiday in Perlis, clad in a cool blue Hawaiian shirt with windy palm-trees, three-quarter length khaki shorts and a comfortable pair of Crocs, must have witnessed first-hand, a successful drug bust by the Malaysian police, as the mules must have stayed at a motel near his. Walking out from his room with his favorite smoking pipe in one hand, and a dark-haired beauty clad tastefully in a local sarong in the other, George must have seen the deadly glares the drug mules directed at the police when they were caught, and that sent a chill down his spine. 

     It must have dawned upon him those drug gangs will bear a grudge against the police to their graves, and one day, those gangs will come for the police when they least expect it. That probably served as inspiration for the destruction and dispersal of House Stark, but the Starks will prevail, and there will come a time, House Stark shall return, and wreck terrible vengeance upon those that wronged them.

     That concludes my essay 'The Game of Thrones is Malaysia'. There are five states of Malaysia I have left un-discussed, but I like to propose that former Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad be engaged as a consultant for any future ASOIAF novels, as Malaysia's diverse environment, rich culture and long history serves for great inspiration for Mr George R R Martin. But like any other hardcore fan, I eagerly await the release of  the next season of Game of Thrones, due for broadcast on HBO in  April 2016, and I shall observe how George R R Martin steals more ideas from my great nation, and I shall update my research and you folks accordingly. 

     Thanks for reading! And have a good day!